On Onions
by Aidenfieeld (@DivineOwl)
For a community to survive, it needs to develop and maintain a common cultural activity. What this activity is will naturally differ across different communities, but the fundamental rule applies universally; the disparate members of any community must be brought-together to perform a common activity, so as to ensure the collective engagement of said members. TSP, as a community itself, is no different in this regard. Thus, our members, too, are united by our own common activity that has been established as an integral piece of our culture: arguing.
In pursuit of this, we have found that political discussions, whilst responsible for boiling the blood of many a TSPer (and necessitating frequent re-orders of furniture on the Assembly floor), are ultimately inadequate in satiating our hunger for being brought-together by our need to vociferously insist that someone else is wrong. We needed a way to perpetuate the animosity with a topic that would bring-out only the most visceral, emotionally-charged reactions from all parties involved. Enter: the “Dessert Wars”. Everyone (that isn’t super lame) eats dessert. But some of us prefer ice cream. Others, pie. The masochistic among us even purport to prefer cake. These preferences have led to the creation of caucuses that like-minded visionaries join in order to represent and spread the gospel of their chosen dessert.
But some have asked the question: why limit it to just these three? Why should TSPers be left to choose just one of ice cream, pie, (or cake, I guess)? Why continue to deny representation to the actual most delectable, most scrumptious, most unfathomably delicious food; a food that is to be cherished for its versatility, usefulness, and status as an irreplaceable cornerstone of TSP society; on whose contributions the fate of the entire (culinary) world rests on: the onion? Indeed, this question has been posed time and again by many a TSP luminary. But I wanted to rectify this lack of representation by shining a light on this beloved food. Which is now exactly what I’m doing. Of course, as a proper, committed journalist who takes this job very seriously, I needed to seek information directly from the people, by asking for the wisdom and deep philosophical musings of our region’s premier intellectuals. Naturally, to fulfill this need, I took a trip to TSP’s central public square, the RMB.
I first received an illuminating response from Petea, a well-known and well-loved TSPer that serves as everyone’s undisputed favourite RMB moderator, and who did not pay me anything to say this. But the most important superlative that he can be given (for our purposes here, anyway) is the original ambassador for the cause of the onion, as he explains in relaying the relevant history: “The way I remember it, I brought up bloomin’ onions because I really wanted it once, and French onion soup because it’s my favourite dish ever, and I kept bringing up onions because I love onions. We all kept consistently banging on the Onion drum after”…”until it took off as a cult.” Petea has repeatedly nourished and supported this so-called “cult”, such as by offering a revolutionary, onion-focused agenda in an LC campaign, and by continuously advocating for their recognition and representation; actions that aid in bringing awareness to, and encouraging important conversations around the unappreciated roles that onions play in our everyday lives, and their inherent value to the TSP community. These efforts have seemingly been fruitful; appreciation (and even outright veneration) of onions has proliferated throughout the RMB community, and a new generation of enthusiastic onionists have joined in celebrating and spreading the word of the cause.
After sneaking-through a handful of seedy alleyways adjacent to the RMB, stealthily avoiding the legion of laser cats feeding from the mountains of unwanted cake sitting in the dumpsters, I managed to get ahold of two of these prominent newer(ish) onionists: Jakalaka and Laus Val. Jakalaka (also known as “The Gold Onion") confirmed Petea’s retelling of the history of the cause, and expressed a great deal of personal enthusiasm: “Onions are the single greatest thing to ever exist and to come into my life. I will always devote myself to onions.” That sentiment was echoed by Laus Val, who notably raised a flag comprised entirely of images of onions over their RMB residence just over a month ago: “It’s just like a piece of art. Makes you cry when you cut it, makes you smile when you eat it. What other food can do this?” Additionally, they praised the versatility of the onion, saying “[it] can go with: burger, salad, pizza, rice, potato, etc.”…”You can even eat it alone!” And most emphatically: “[the] specialty of Onions cannot be explained; it’s simply EMOTIONAL.” Given this immense love, it is perhaps unsurprising that Laus Val has gone-on to found and operate The Onion Society, whose stated mission is “to spread the word of the onion to all.”
In the long-term, the goal is that with the Onion Society, one will no longer be left with a binary choice between ice cream and pie. Though I could have sworn there was another one…what was that again? Well, anyway, be it because of the emergence of the Onion Society, or the continued individual efforts of those like Jakalaka and Laus Val, if there was one thing I gleaned from my meeting next to the dumpsters in that smoke-filled alleyway, it was that the excitement within the onionist coalition is palpable. And it’s certainly not unjustified; onions have already seeped into the cultural fabric of TSP. “[The] Onion is for me one of the biggest cultural accomplishments of [the] TSP community, creating a new faction to belong”, states Laus Val. And as Jakalaka says, “everyone smiles when they see the word onion on the RMB”. Given this, the onionists view the next phase of their work as being less about convincing others of the merits of the onion as a cultural icon of the region, and more about encouraging those that remain recalcitrant in their willingness to openly embrace onions. “There are no onion haters”, explains Petea. “Only onion lovers and those who are afraid of how much they love onions.” It will inevitably require some effort, but the groundwork, clearly, is already there.
Following my meeting, I left to spend the evening alone at a booth in the Lampshade Bar & Grill, where I mulled-over what had been illuminated to me. And in the midst of my ninth glass of SPIT, I found myself lucid enough to find a deep and profound appreciation for the nature of our beloved region; for where else could such a lively, enthusiastic, and overall beautiful love and admiration arise over something as seemingly simple as onions? Though my phone, keys, and wallet had all mysteriously disappeared by that point, I had just enough of a functioning memory in that moment to scrawl on a napkin the simple, but fitting exclamation that was repeated to me that day: “long live the onion, and long live the Coalition!”
Void 
