“I am happy to announce that more than 90% of all channels have been recovered, thanks to our hard working team. A special shout-out to our bakers, who make cheesecakes that are absolutely delicious!”
“Some people say that MEAT is over. You might have already known, but those are all just fake news. We might have suffered some losses recently, but we have successfully retaliated against those attacks by reducing six targets to nothing but smoking piles of rubble. We are rising again. We are gaining strength.”
“Something I want to say about TEAM. As you all know, TEAM agents launched attacks on us and then destroyed this television network before turning themselves in to The South Pacific Government. They had always called us terrorists, but their actions show that they are the real terrorists. If our agents weren’t so skilled, the channels would never have been restored before it is too late. TEAM’s final attack was not on a specific target, it was on almost everybody. We hope that they are punished properly.”
“Let me talk a little bit about Andersmeda. As you all know, the Andersmedan queen committed a serious crime by executing our agent, killing several innocent citizens and attacking our helicopters. They decided to attack us first, leading to us bombing four targets in their territory. I can proudly say that we have caused a lot of damage and avenged the poor sad souls. May they rest in peace. Our efforts to stop human rights abusing in Andersmeda will continue. We will do it peacefully, but if they torture or kill our agents again, we shall retaliate on a way larger scale.”
“With our upcoming rebranding, we are thinking of creating new services that benefit the majority. I must admit that our actions have not always been 100% legal. We have hacked into devices of all sorts to install alarms on them. With the rebranding, we might suspend those types of services and use our hacking skills somewhere else, in a way that benefits the majority.”
“We shall soon begin selling alarm clocks, so that you can use our effective alarm without having to use something like your television. As I previously said, we also are thinking of doing many other things. Maybe bakeries, restaurants, hotels… or even an airline! Anyways, they will be amazing.”
“Thank you all very much for listening to my long speech. Enjoy your day or night!”
Following the recent attacks on Andersmedan soil, there has been a surge in patriotism. On this channel, you can watch as hundreds of thousands of able-bodied youngsters flock to enlist in the military.
Well… would you look at that, MEAT… you’re not “avenging” souls like you claim. Andersmedans weren’t sad—until you decided to attack us, and killed people’s families and friends. Oh well… you get what you wish for…
“Hello, Tony here again. Why can’t they just tell people real news? Oh, right, they need fake news to keep their power stable.”
“Andersmedans were not sad? Uh, yeah, ‘50 sad souls’, said the Andersmedan government. Of course, why not?”
“Kill people’s friends and families? I am pretty sure we said 0 deaths, 8 injuries on the OLA channel. Why do you think we took 3 hours to do something we could do in 30 minutes? We evacuated the surrounding area to prevent innocent civilians from being killed.”
“It is likely that many of those new soldiers have been forced to enlist in the military. We will investigate whether or not this is another abusing of human rights.”
“As always, we won’t attack first. But if they do something, they are going to regret for several months.”
We are happy to announce that we have rebranded Most Efficient Alarm Tech! Introducing Benevitan, a company to efficiently improve the lives of the majority in many ways.
We will improve many lives in many ways. We shall provide more efficient alarm sounds on television, make alarm clocks that do not require an electronic device, protect human rights of poor Andersmedans, spread the idea of dessert equality and do many other stuff.
Introducing:
With this rebranding, we will stop sending out new content on several of our channels. We will only provide new content on Most Efficient Alarm Tech (MEAT), Peaceful Efficient Alarm Service (PEAS), Make Your Own Waking Noise (MYOWN) and Help Other Sleepyheads Easily Stand (HOSES). On our other channels, you can watch or listen to replays. Our actions in Andersmeda are temporary suspended, and will return in a couple of days. There might be a few things we’d do if the evil regime attempts serious crimes during these days.
This channel is about information and advertisements of this new company.
While Andersmeda will most certainly be responding to the rebranding of the terrorists, we are a civil nation. Thus, we will put our response on pause for a day as it is Cayo’s birthday.
Fear not though, we WILL respond
Watch this channel for 24 hours of the birthday song, featuring Andersmeda’s star dance group, as they make the classic dance song… funky!
Although we… uh.. I am not a fan of their regime, I certainly am not a weird person who ignores happy birthday messages. So thanks a lot, Andersmeda.
Watch this channel to see formerly MEAT developers now Benevitan employees make an Andersmedan flag out of ice cream! Probably a little bit of food coloring.
Oh of course, thank you North. Canamerico and Greenland’s flag should be easier.
We are happy to announce that we are opening restaurants! In Benevitan Kitchen, you can have delicious meals in comfortable seats, listening to jazz for a low price. Cheap but luxurious restaurants! At Benevitan Kitchen, you can find many different kinds of food, from common ones like ramen and pasta to foods like the Rainforest Cake:
Yes, broccoli on a chocolate cake! How creative!
Benevitan Kitchen will open restaurants in many places around TSP. Looking forward to serving you our delicious and healthy food!
This channel advertises Benevitan Human Rights and shows employees talking about the importance of human rights.
Benevitan Human Rights aims to make a world where there are no human right abusing actions. It provides help for people whose human rights were abused for free. One of the main goals is to stop all illegal human right related actions being done by the Andersmedan regime.
Exact details cannot be released due to security reasons, but Benevitan officially will start sending agents to Andersmeda in order to help victims of events like that one particular tournament. Similar to MEAT, but with less violence.
Hear ye, hear ye! The royal kingdom of Andersmeda pauses your broadcasting at this time to make a very important announcement.
Andersmedans, our way of life is under attack. Once again, ignorant foreigners have decided that our cultural practices are somehow against human rights or evil acts, and we have taken several actions to clear our names from this slander, but the opponent is not backing down—and neither will we.
A new terrorist group, Benevitan Human Rights, has formed, and plans to send its criminal members into our lands, into our borders, to poison your minds against us and make you hate the motherland that has cared for you and cherished you for your whole lives. But fear not, dear Andersmedans, for after much deliberation the queen has decided on the best path forward.
It was not an easy decision, but it was a great one: the Queen of Andersmeda has decided that from now on, our borders will be closed. No foreigners may enter our nation, barring extreme circumstances and the explicit approval of the queen herself. Shutting ourselves out from the world is difficult, and we apologize to all of our allies who are affected by this—we appreciate you, and you are in our thoughts. However, our lands and our way of life are under attack, and this was a necessary action.
At the time this is being broadcast, the borders have now been shut. Goodnight, Andersmeda.
Andersmedan national anthem plays and then normal broadcasting resumes
Not that I wish to imply that you have been sleeping on the job. No one is more deserving of a rest, and all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until…
Well… Lets just say your hour has come again.
The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.
This is the new program operated by Benevitan! Benevitan Sports will host all sorts of sports games- baseball, soccer, American football, tennis, archery, basketball, running, cycling, swimming, golf etc. - every day and show them live on air! We will sometimes host a few games that are not quite normal, such as Quidditch done with drones and fastest person to clean 100 carrots. So sit back on your couch, turn on that television and… enjoy. Or you can visit our new stadiums instead!
Oh, have you heard about the TSP Llama Drama League? (in case you don’t know, it is a yahoo fantasy football thingy and information about it is in discord) We are happy to announce that one of the teams participating is owned and operated by Benevitan!
Benevitan has constructed a brand new seaside amusement park about two kilometers away from its headquarters! Benevitan aims to create a theme park that provides fun for people of all ages.
Our theme park offers special rides that you have never seen before and will never see in other parks! With a lot of creativity and innovation, we have made beautiful rides designed to give you maximum enjoyment.
Have you ever wondered, why are carousels so slow? Well at our park, we have built the Tornado Horses - a carousel that spins faster than a wheel of a car on a highway! Ever wondered why ferris wheels are so slow and so boring? No worries! We have removed everything in a Ferris wheel capsule except for the seat and made it spin 5 times faster! Good luck holding onto your chairs!
Only for a cheap price of 5 USD per person every day you can enjoy all our attractions! See you soon at the park
Tune in to see nations who have failed to endorse our delegate-elect be publicly shamed, in addition to watching as Andersmedan peasants hunt the leaders of those nations to force them to choose between endorsment or death. With every success, the peasants win the safety of their families (currently in captivity by the government to motivate them) and a lifetime’s supply of ice cream!
Definitely not sponsored by the government just to one-up a certain enemy nation.
Channel 294: FROM THE COURT OF Media, Subversion, Sandwiches & Shitfuckery!
IN TODAYS LAWSUIT! A HUSBAND SUES ONE OF HIS MANY SPOUSES FOR POSESSION OF THE HILL! A PLOT OF LAND THAT HAS BECOME THE MOST CONTESTED THING IN TSP! PIEISTS TURN AGAINST EACH OTHER FOR CONTROL OF THE HILL!
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of Water-Type Pokemon and teambuilding versatility, Vaporeon is my favorite Pokemon? Not only is it in the Field egg group which allows for an amazing egg movepool, Vaporeon has a Base HP of 130 and Base Special Defense of 95, which means they’re bulky enough to be able to handle special sweepers and with their impressive Base Stat for HP and a comparatively solid Base Defense, this means they can tank rough attacks.
Due to their singular Water typing, there’s no doubt in my mind that a minmaxed Vaporeon would be incredibly bulky. So bulky that you could easily switch on prediction for turns without getting swept. They can also learn the moves Wish, Substitute, Heal Bell, Toxic, and Scald, along with having Haze to prevent setup, so it’d be incredibly easy for one to tank for your team. With their abilities Water Absorb and Hydration, they can easily recover damage with enough strategy. No other Pokemon comes close to this level of versatility.
Also, fun fact, Vaporeon has the highest HP Stat of all Eeveelutions. Vaporeon is literally built to tank on switch. Rock-solid Defense stats + high HP Pool + Acid Armor means it can take attacks all day, all shapes and sizes, and still come for more.
