Sedunn will join the war, citing “they pronounce the C in Conaro as K, and we ought to change that” as casus belli.
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Zhulgan, Mitallduk, and Krauanagaz unveil a groundbreaking trilateral agreement to support Sedunn and Keanu and Hurley’s war efforts. Krauanagazan Secretary of State Darius Korin stated, “Who the hell uses the ‘letter’ C in a language. Absolutely unhinged.”
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The USI opens diplomatic relations with Tyr.
The Federal Chancellery hastily issues an public anullment of the Chancellor Hadyn Meier’s message on behalf of him, a few minutes ago after he declared war on “every single nation state, and that there will be no further communication.” “There is no war. We’re not going to war. False alarm. Who does this as part of April Fools’?”
The Ministry of Defence is oblivious to the entire debacle.
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The Chancellor has stated “for the record, our declaration of war is a joke. We are not sending military abroad for invasion. Please do not send the World Forum, or any force after us”.
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The Besernian government has been pummeled by a heavy amount of users on the social news-blogging site Telit for “making such a tasteless comedy”. The Minister-President of Cenche has formally written a letter to the Chancellery with a request to “never pull this type of joke again”.
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Mod note: Please refrain from using derogatory language. The word “bastard” should not be used and it can be doubted, any reputable news network would ever use such a word in a headline. As such I’d like to ask you to edit your post.
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A small contingent of Vrignyan soldiers have amassed in several of Adleimen’s parks and plazas and have rounded up a bunch of random people. Ordering them in lines, as if they were about to perform a mass shooting, they started giving them roses and notes saying: “make love, not war”. Some soldiers even had modified rifles that shot a small flag containing a heart out of their barrel.
President Anneliese Bow has stated: “it is wonderful to have such a lovely army”. She also apologises for the army’s actions if they had shocked any of the “willing” participants.
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Losavra has declared itself to be the rightful ruler of the world and has launched a simultaneous invasion into every single country on the planet, including those beyond the map border, each invasion with millions of soldiers.
No, obviously this isn’t canon lmfao… unless?
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Akarinan News Network
This morning 250 long-ranged bombers took off from Akarinan Territory, over 2000 ICBM’s have been launched, and Akarinan troops have crossed the Corvus line.
The end is near…
Just kidding happy April fools!
Kraudukra Free News
Zharan Subpoenaed in FDIA Torture Inquiry
The Executive Counsel’s Office has confirmed that Krauanaet Zharan has received a subpoena to testify in a closed-door hearing related to torture allegations leveled against the Federal Defense Intelligence Agency (FDIA). The explosive allegations were first revealed in early March by Attorney General Mvina Koroallaz, who cited multiple whistleblower testimonies.
According to the Justice Department, the allegations are related to the treatment of two Red K militants captured after a botched hostage rescue attempt on Keluk’ka Island in January. The testimonies allege senior officials within the agency were aware of these practices and, in some cases, allowed and even ordered them. One whistleblower told the FDIA Inspector General, “We tried to raise concerns internally but Agency leadership responded with retaliation and intimidation. Threatening our careers within the Agency, and pressuring us to comply with orders.” What the testimonies allege are clear violations of human rights and Krauanagazan law.
After developments so shocking that few can yet truly believe them, the central areas of the Kustannuksan Empire have been invaded by a mighty and terrifying army of Dolphins. As of now, the Dolphins have successfully taken control of Pohjoinen, the Imperial Capital, and are currently advancing towards Joenmarki and Vostolaue.
Bluefinn Waterswirl, leader of the Dolphin Army.
The remaining key figures of the Imperial Government and Army are currently discussing the usage of several localized low-intensity nuclear attacks to, quote: “COOK THEM FINNED DEVILS TILL THEY’RE DRIER THAN MA WIFE’S STEAKS”.
This is like, fully canon btw. Like, how could anybody not think of this as canon?
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God Emperor Pisces Fisheous of Yttria has decided to abdicate the throne and allow all the nations of the world to create their own policy for the first time in centuries.
In an interview on the matter, they were quoted as saying, "you know, being the real version of the “global shadow cabal’ was pretty lit and all, but after allowing a couple global conflicts to happen you start to get bored, you know? There’s a reason people don’t play checkers by themselves. I figure that this way I can at least get to watch some funny things happen. Oh, and I guess my last decree is that using drugs is totally legal and anyone who tries to ban it is a killjoy.”
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Kraudukra Free News
BREAKING: Explosion Rips Through Alkantara Intl Airport; Red K Claims Responsibility
An explosion tore through Alkantara International Airport earlier today, as confirmed by the Federal Police Agency (FPA). The incident, declared a “mass-casualty event” by Alkantara’s Department of Public Safety, devastated the airport’s international terminals and caused a fire that authorities are still working to extinguish. Red K, a militant group operating mostly in Krauanagaz, claimed responsibility for the attack, linking it to recent military operations on Pohnarras Island. The FPA is investigating to identify and apprehend the perpetrators while security measures have been heightened across Alkantara. Governor Mitka Luavi emphasized the need for vigilance and coordinated efforts to combat terrorism in the region.
With a 100% share of the vote on a 100% turnout, Pacifica has elected Ryccia as the country to rule over all. The Ryccian government will begin the process of integrating the other world governments into its institutions as subordinate entities.
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The Yttrian government has offered it’s condolences to Ryccia, who’s citizens have still not learned to read and unfortunately misread the results of the vote.
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OOC note: I’ll allow it.
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The Keanuan RUFC Association has asked the Montacian RUFC Association and Brodlancian RUFC Association for use of their training facilities for teams in the upcoming 2023 RUFC World Cup.
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Akarinan News Network
Same sex sexual activity have just been banned in Akarina and can result in up to five days in jail, and a 6,000-Rū fine (about 12k USD). Additionally it is now illegal to change your legal gender as the government asks people to worry about “actual issues”.
Note this was mainly proposed by religious politicians so this may be a bit bias.
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The Izaakian Space Agency and Cosmos cancel/rearrange all night time launches scheduled during the Rugby World Cup as the Izaakian Rugby Team will be based out of the Space Port at IAF Montacia Bay. The IAF Montacia Bay location was seen as ideal due to its proximity to Keanu and Hurley, its excellent sports facilities and the ability to keep fans and journalists away.
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