Shows MEAT developers planning and executing attacks (including alarm installing) on TEAM and Andersmeda. Also shows them claiming that TEAM and Andersmeda are the ones who should be removed.
“TEAM. Them again? Those weirdos who decide to bomb other countries? And the victims are just some random people that are so kind, waking the greatest sleepyheads up? They should realize that they are probably more illegal than us…”
“Ah yes, Andersmeda, a new enemy. All we did was making fun of them. I mean, they thought 202+1=303! Ha! Ha! Ha! And we are so kind! They feature people’s most embarrassing moments without their permission and threaten them to not sue! We are just kind people that said we’re gonna help the victims retaliate! Also, our services which gives customers exactly what they asked for are cheap, unlike their weird whale program!”
A channel solely for the purpose of getting you to spend money when you watch it? Yes, we know, we are genius. On this channel, viewers enjoy a 24/7 view of how to spend their money—on TEAM 2.0! So head on over, and spend those $0.99! We know you can afford it, our economy here in Andersmeda is PEAK.
…what? You’ve already bought the subscription? Dude… just buy it again! Tsk tsk. If you don’t, one of the following awaits you:
This channel shows MEAT developers make fun of Franz.
“1989? They think we are that experienced? Are they complimenting us? But we haven’t even been alarm developers for a year! My, I absolutely love how they want to connect all disasters to us, the innocent, kind alarm developers! Ha! Ha! Ha! Pretty sure those were committed by TEAM and they just want to pretend that they are the good guys.”
Channel 224: A Deep Dive Into MEAT Developers Minds
On this channel, viewers enjoy watching psychologists (and more!) analyze the behavior of the MEAT developers! We all already know there’s a screw loose when it comes to those developers (I mean, calling themselves ‘innocent and kind’? Picking a fight with every foreign government they can? Thinking they’re good at math? Whew…) but it goes deeper than that. According to these psychologists, there are some more alarming issues at hand. So tune in, at 5PM EST every day, for…
Channel 225: A Deep Dive Into MEAT’s Artificial Sea
On this channel, viewers can watch MEAT developers explaining how their artificial indoor sea and beach works and then diving into the water. We know that it is indoors so the developers can stay safe from evil anti-alarm forces like TEAM and Andersmeda. But how did they build it? Why does it look and feel just like a real one? Watch the channel, and you’ll learn how the entire thing works. Also, you might be able to build your own!
Patriots… our nation is facing a crisis. What is that crisis, you ask? No no no, it is none of your business, but just know, it is truly a crisis. But fear not, one of Andersmeda’s top scien-I mean doctors-is mere moments away from discovering a cure! All we-I mean he-needs, is 250,000 test subjects to… ensure it’s safe. Yes, yes, that is right. Do not fear, it will not hurt! Probably. Haha. So, my dear patriots, watch this channel now for information on how to sign up. Serve your country well!
Andersmeda is not responsible for any irreversible or fatal consequences that may occur as a result of this experiment, please do not sue us, our legal team already has their hands full.
A brand new program made by MEAT! Through this program, you can help MEAT select the best alarm sounds. Volunteer by following the instructions on this channel, and if you are chosen, please visit MEAT headquarters. There, you will be told to sleep on one of the most luxurious beds around. A few minutes after you fall asleep, we will use brand new alarm sounds to force you out of your sleep irritated. Don’t worry too much, unlike that one particular person who likes dogs, we care about you. We will pay you 8 USD every time you are forced to wake up, and also give you freshly baked cheesecakes.
This is a primetime Lampshade Bar PSA, created from the assembly:
"stop.smoking.weed.
if you’re receiving this right now, it’s because you.smoke.weed.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Excuse me waiter! I didn’t ask for the devil’s lettuce in my salad!
You think “oh it’s just a little bit of reefer no
big deal right?” Wrong!
you could go to jail! How dare you!
When offered grass say I’ll pass. Want some POT?! I THINK NOT! fires a shotgun
Mary Jane causes pain! kills spiderman
Smoke is no joke, your lungs would know. I hear their s-screams at night grabs neck PLEASE STOP FILLING ME WITH POISONOUS SMOKE! IM TRYING TO HELP YOU BREATHE!
FREE ME FROM THIS TORTURE
If you hand me a spliff I’ll leave in a jiff
Hand me some hash I’ll be gone in a flash
All it takes is one puff of weed and the next thing you know, your smoking meth with the devil himself under a bridge
you could have been the next president but now your gonna be a serial killer or smth fake crying
Marijuana! I THINK MARYWANNADOSOMETHINGPRODUCTIVEWITHMYLIFETHANKS!
Just say no to drugs, and if you don’t I’ll see you in jail.
Dear citizens of Andersmeda, we, the government, are pleased to announce that the time has come for the Tournament of Losers! What is that, you ask? My my… how do you not know? Do you live under a rock? Tsk tsk… fine, I’ll tell you. In Andersmeda’s Tournament of Losers, 50 sad souls from the poorest parts of our kingdom will be chosen at random, and entered into a competition (the Tournament) in which they must fight to the death! Fun, right? Only one will survive, and that sole survivor will receive a golden ice cream and the honor of shaking the hand of our dear Queen of Andersmeda! Though, obviously, her Majesty will be wearing gloves, because she wouldn’t dream of touching a mere peasant. Anyway, isn’t that just such a wonderful opportunity for the citizens? Yes yes, such a benevolent queen we have! So tune in, Saturdays at 6PM EST every week to watch these losers fight!
MEAT developers were together eating snacks when they decided to look what new channels were created. And then, they came across Channel 230. They were enraged! How dare you not help the sad, poor people but instead call them losers and try to make them kill each other just for the fun of the rich ones? So, the developers decided to make a new program:
Because this has been made for that one particular person who likes dogs, this channel sends out irritating sounds made from sounds of dogs barking. The sounds play for thirty seconds every five minutes.
The hacking team will install this program in every single electronic device owned by the Andersmeda Queen. Until she announces that the tournament will not continue, the alarms will keep her awake 24 hours a day.
Most Efficient Alarm Tech - Waking people up, for free, more efficiently.
We protect poor, sad people from the queen of Andersmeda.
In this brand new addition to The Tournament of Losers, the Queen of Andersmeda has decided to extend her generosity even further! Now, all the contestants will be gifted one of the personal devices of the queen! Better to give it to them than to a garbage dump, right? Furthermore, one more thing is being added to the tournament. My dear loser contestants… you can run, you can hide, but can you find the MEAT developers? If you can find them and, ahem, take them out, then you will receive the absolutely fantastic prize of a machete to help you with killing your fellow contestants and winning the tournament! Have fun hunting, losers.
We looked at Channel 233. We decided to inactivate QUEEN on the devices that are not used by the queen of Andersmeda. Oh, you wanna have your victims find us? What are you gonna do, make them break through our three meters thick door? You just want to give them better weapons so you can have more fun! So, we made this:
From now on, every single day for a couple of minutes this channel will be heard by the poor sad people in Andersmeda. It will be played by loudspeakers which the evil queen will never find out how they were taken there.
“Ladies and gentlemen! This is Most Efficient Alarm Tech, and we will save you. Do you think the machete will be a great prize? Nonsense! Are you going to fight your fellow friends and family just for an ice cream and a handshake? Never! When the tournament starts, we shall give you weapons. We will fight together! Stand up against the evil queen! Oh, and we will also help you find a new home in a better nation.”
Channel 235: No One Else Wants You, and Other Announcements by the Andersmedan Government
My dearest losers, I understand you have recently been hearing some strange announcements from loudspeakers placed illegally on government owned property. Fear not, for our incredibly capable military has already seized hundreds of these illegal devices, and the remaining few have been located and are currently being removed.
We, the government, would also like to take this opportunity to address the malicious content being broadcast from those loudspeakers. We understand that the foreign company, MEAT, has been attempting to rid you of your homes and place you in other, far less fantastic, nations. Do not worry, for we will not let this happen. Andersmeda is the greatest nation in the world, thanks to our beautiful queen, and we would never want to strip you of your rights by letting you move to some other nation populated by barbarians. Besides, it’s not like they would want you anyway, you are losers after all.
As for the foreign terrorist organization MEAT: fear not, Andersmedans, for an arrest warrant has been issued by the International Agency of Crushing Rebellions (IAOCR). Additionally, if any MEAT developer steps foot onto Andersmedan soil in an attempt to kidnap our citizens (because we all know that’s what they’re really trying to do when they say they want to save you), they will be killed on sight. We must protect our subjects, after all!
That is it for now. Remember to collect your daily free government-issued tub of ice cream!
Highlights all of the major events in the Novum Regnum announced by its best news reporters.
In recent news:
His Majesty F. F. Franz shows support for Andersmedan resistance against MEAT terrorism despite their questionable actions with regards to human rights - “Everybody is allowed to have faults… except MEAT”.
MEAT developer: “I don’t wanna be patient! Why don’t we, like, fire missiles at the stadium right before the tournament? Or we could also pretend to be a bunch of poor sad Andersmedans, and participate in the tournament, and…”
Another MEAT developer: “Shut up, Jim! You want to start a war? We could consider that after they do violence first, but not before. Instead, why don’t we make another program?”
a random speaker placed near the Andersmedan queen’s palace suddenly plays five seconds of Never Gonna Give You Up
“Greetings! Hello! Most Efficient Alarm Tech here! We are currently controlling two hundred Andersmedan public speakers and sending this message through them. Every day, two hundred random public speakers across Andersmeda will play this channel named Running Out Of Forbearance. Roof. Gosh! We are so good at acronyms! Anyways, your queen ignores human rights. Under her, nobody has rights! Think of it! Every day you have to do exactly what the government tells you to do. Now, she is trying to have fifty poor people kill each other just to make her have fun. Don’t make her have fun, but make fun of her! Protect your fellow neighbors from suffering. It is now time to end the evil, corrupt dictatorship. Stand up against the brutal regime! We shall support your anti-government movements. But for now, we hope you can enjoy your day. Thank you for listening!”
“Oh also, your terribleness the queen of Andersmeda, if you are listening, just know that there will be something you never expected on Saturday!”
Another five seconds of Never Gonna Give You Up plays, and the speakers become quiet.
Channel 239: The Losers Decided, The First Kill, and Other Fun Festivities
Greetings! Tune in to this channel tonight at 7PM EST for the night of your life! Cameras have been placed on every street, tunnel, home, shop, and ice cream stand in all of Andersmeda, to capture the moment the losers are chosen at random and flown via helicopter to the arena! Once they arrive, there will be a myriad of fun weapons to choose from, such as:
Spiked club
Boomerang
Tapanga
Spear
Pepper spray
… And many more!
Want to see the festivities live? Tickets are available for purchase online on Andersmeda’s official website, and prices start at 900 Anders a pop. Be sure to buy them soon if you want to go in person, because tickets are selling fast! The night will not end until at least one of the losers has died, so you are sure to get your money’s worth! Already have tickets and don’t want to wait in line for food? Snacks such as mint chocolate chip ice cream, cookies and cream ice cream, and chocolate fudge ice cream, are all available for purchase on the website ahead of time! That way you can be sure you won’t miss any of the fun while waiting in line. We look forward to seeing you!
One quick note to add: if any Andersmedan decides to listen to the terrorists MEAT and join an anti-government movement or support one in any way, they and their family will be thrown into a volcano (perks of being an island nation, right? ). So, yeah. Don’t do that. It’s like a lot of effort on our part.
). So, yeah. Don’t do that. It’s like a lot of effort on our part.