You have successfully opened the single most linguistically unstable campaign in recorded South Pacific history. After 14 hours, 3 dictionaries, 2 cryptographers, 1 Dutch tourist, 1 German exchange student, and ChatGPT, we have produced the following translation.
Hello, TSP!
My name is Lewis. I am running for Craziest. This is my first campaign. It will also hopefully be my last before somebody arrests me. If elected, I promise to become even crazier than CayonNS.
“My administration intends to bribe the: council on regional securité & the delegate.
My administration intends to sue the: Election Commissioner for excessive competence.
My administration intends to promote the RMB Moderators because… yes.
My administration intends to bribe the: prime minister, cabinet, justices,
My administration intends to bribe the: great barrier reef guards, gravity, and newton’s laws
My administration intends to bribe the: constitution, and myself.
My administration intends to advertise the: ultimate dessert (ice cream).
My administration intends to replace: coffee & tea with green bean juice & boiled green eggs.
My administration intends to annnex: the North, the East, and the West parts of the Pacific.
My administration intends to replace: South Pacific Iced Tea (SPIT) with Cayo’s spit."
The Ministry of Health announced its immediate resignation after reviewing the beverage policy. Doctors have separately requested that we stop printing the phrase “boiled green eggs.”
Diplomats described the proposal to annex TNP, TEP, and TWP as “rude.” Lewis described it as “skill issue.” Cayo has retained legal counsel regarding the proposed replacement of South Pacific Iced Tea.
Several common questions have since been answered. We are reasonably confident that this is satire. The investigation into whether gravity can accept bribes remains ongoing. We regret asking what green bean juice is. When questioned about the spelling, the candidate simply replied: “HHHHH3llllllöööööööö.”
The question “What is 2 + 2?” has been declared unconstitutional.
The translation team would also like to record the following observations. We are no longer certain which language the original document was written in. At one point it unexpectedly became Pig Latin. One translator resigned. A replacement translator read a single paragraph and also resigned.
ChatGPT requested overtime pay. The German exchange student insists this is not German. The Dutch tourist insists this is definitely not Dutch. Windows Defender identified the manifesto as suspicious.
The Constitution has filed a restraining order against the candidate. Gravity agreed to an interview but firmly denied accepting bribes.
Our official recommendation is to vote responsibly.
Please do not vote solely because of the promise of unlimited green bean juice.
…
Actually, never mind.
Vote LewisForCraziest
The only candidate requiring both an election and a software update.