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As Valkyria looks to abolish rent, other nations look to increase it

November 15, 2022

Valkyrian Prime Minister Steve Bennett recently announced a proposal to seize private property in Valkyria being used as a rental property, sparking criticism from many nations across Pacifica. Now, in response, many of those nations are enacting policies of their own to raise the cost of renting within their borders to counter this dangerous trend.

Stoinian Prime Minister Gheorghe Vlaicu was one of the first to voice concerns about the nationalization of housing in Valkyria. “This could lead to things much worse to come. Today they nationalize the houses. Tomorrow they nationalize the mansions. A year from now they’ll nationalize the Prime Minister’s palace. I don’t think that’s a good example to set.” Nevertheless, after relocating away from the steps of his Prime Minister’s palace, Vlaicu finished his speech by stating he understood the Valkyrian government’s ‘noble’ goals. “I just think, you know, Prime Ministers should stick out for each other. So, uh, Steve—I mean, PM Bennett—just blink twice if things get heated.”

Pelinai was more vocal in its alarm. A spokeswoman announced that “businesses are encouraged to withdraw from Valkyria” and voiced serious concerns over “forced nationalization.” The full statement released by the Ministry of Economics and Ministry of Foreign Affairs elaborated by saying that “it is ridiculous for Valkyria to tell Pelinese firms what to do with their land. Only the Pelinese Ministry of Economics should be able to tell our companies what they should and shouldn’t do. And today we are telling them to leave Valkyria.” The message was broadcast live across Pacifica through the Pelograd Apostle, which is the official state media service of the Kingdom of Pelinai.

But the most extreme of all was Izaakia, which accused the Valkyrian government of stealing billions of shark teeth. “It’s ridiculous,” a spokesman said. “We will be taking action in response. As is our usual practice, we will be invad—oh, my apologies. We will be raising rent prices. Valkyria is trying to steal billions from Izaakian landlords, so we will make up the difference by making landlords here charge more for rent.”

Amid a clamor from the press corps, the spokesman doubled down. “When they go low, we go high! And when they cut rent to zero, we must raise it sky-high. Bigger numbers are good for the economy. A year from now, rental income in Valkyria will be zero. Who will be laughing then? We will.”

Trading was initially down on the Izaakian stock exchange before the government announced it would be raising stock prices in addition to rent prices. Stock prices subsequently ended the day up 2.43%.

Trading on Valkyrian stock exchange Pacifinext, meanwhile, continues to be down.


Pelinai and UKED enlist young children to settle diplomatic dispute

January 7, 2023

In a turn of events that went largely unnoticed, the Pelinese and Emeraldian governments enlisted young children to settle their recent diplomatic disputes.

“You’re so evil my daddy’s gonna purge you!” came the opening salvo from the Emeraldian child.

“You’re so evil you just threatened me with, uhhh, jean-oh-side!” the Pelinese child shouted back.

“You’re so evil you threatened me first!” came the Emeraldian response. “With, with, with the jean thing!”

The Pelinese child appeared to check a script. “Well you’re so evil you made my daddy wake up at 1:00am!”

“You woke up at 1:00am for this? Grow up, snowflake!” answered the Emeraldian child. “My daddy told me that was a good insult,” she added proudly. “And I like snowflakes.”

“I do too!” exclaimed the Pelinese child.

Following a short break, the children were replaced by Prime Ministers Galen and Makarovic. Reports suggest the maturity of the dialogue did not improve. Meanwhile, the two children were reportedly seen talking excitedly about their love of snow.


Chancellor Herdes plays pre-recorded press conference from 2021

August 3, 2023


After Nicholas and Great Britain opened fire at Romordia, Chancellor Levi Herdes fielded questions from journalists about the developing situation. “These are truly saddening events,” Herdes stated. “One wishes that by the year 2021—oops, uh, the year 2023—our world would have moved past senseless acts of aggression.”

After receiving several nearly identical questions in a row, however, Herdes decided on a change of pace. “You know what,” he said, “I’ve got someone better able to answer your questions—err, question.” Herdes proceded to wheel in a television screen and insert a tape.

As the tape began rolling, the words “Press Briefing on the Situation in Romordia, October 24, 2021” flashed across the screen, and the image of Chancellor Herdes soon appeared onscreen. The journalists in the room excitedly rushed to ask their questions.

“Is the government prioritizing this evolving situation?” asked one journalist.

“We are closely watching the situation with grave concern,” replied the pre-recorded chancellor.

“What would you say your level of concern is with respect to this news?” asked another.

“We are closely watching the situation with grave concern,” stated the chancellor yet again.

“How is the government responding to this situation right now?” came another question.

“We are closely watching the situation with grave concern.”

Seeing that the pre-recorded briefing answered most questions successfully, Herdes departed the room. At lunch time, Herdes was reportedly overheard mockingly telling an aide, “we are closely watching the situation with grave concern.”

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