The case of the Sedgemore's

And now, I must warn younger viewers what about to read may disturb you. And for the older readers, confuse you. If you don’t know, my royal family is composed of mad idiots, basically. So I am using them to see how good of a writer I am.

The Sedgemore’s are a family which beguile and bewilder those who read about them. However, this longer essay will attempt to divulge into this family and it’s long and confusing history.

It all begins when, in around 1866, when Robert Peel Segdemore and his wife/cousin (yes, you read that correctly) immigrated to the Falklands. Well, when I say immigrated, I mean fled because Robert was a VERY NAUGHTY BOY, that’s the nicest way of putting it. Robert and his Cousin-wife Hortense would settle in Darwin, before moving to Goose Green. Now, like his Kingly descendant, Robert was an unusual figure, described in 1872 as “a most queer and perplexing man, devoid of all sensible and British ideals.” In other words, he was a massive arsehole famed for kicking in doors, before stealing food and clothes at random and crapping in wells. By the 1890 Robert and Hortensia had civilised themselves, with Hortensia passing away in her sleep in 1922, aged 74. Robert’s own untimely demise would come in his 98th year. Robert had wanted a radio set belonging to another man, who refused, and so Robert challenged him to a duel (which by a technicality he won). Unfortunately he died of a heart attack caused by the sound of the gun.

Now, Robert’s son (Wilfred Evelyn Sedgemore I) was unusually dull. In fact, he was so dull the only notable event in his life, was his death at age 50 in 1915 when he was killed by (supposedly) a penguin. His wife died in 1943 on the loo.

Wilfred Evelyn Sedgemore II, maybe born in 1889 or 1890 (no one is sure), was the strangest of the Sedgemore’s. W.E. Sedgemore II was the sort of bloke who you’d praise for tying his shoes, at the time he was many things which now aren’t appropriate. He had no learning difficulties, he was just a hyped up opium addict who was too comfortable around sheep. He was also a draft dodger in both world wars, the Korean war and the May Mau uprising (all because, and I quote, “I was busy, bugger off I’m listening to the wireless.”). He was killed in 1972 after calling the calling the local vicar many things.

The creatively named Wilfred Evelyn Sedgemore III was born in 1921, in Hammersmith London. The only Sedgemore since 1866 to have been born outside the Falklands. From a young age W.E. Sedgemore was famed in Goose Green for having a love of Blowing up dustbins, stealing cats and punching the local vicar. He was arrested a total of 178,923 times for operating a tank while under the influence of coke and meth and a Futher 20 times for illegally being a priest. His most famous incident involved a goat, a vicar and a drag queen, unfortunately I can’t go into detail - but the press had a bloody field day with that one. W.E. Sedgemore the third would die while riding an alpaca off a cliff, reciting the lord’s prayer in Dutch, and wearing lederhosen, on April folks day 1999. His last words were either “sayanora, you arses,” or “Y2K can’t touch my ass.” Sources vary.

Now what exactly is wrong with this family many have debated. Originally the suggestion they were just stupid was made, thereafter it was blamed on Robert Peel Segdemore’s cousin marrying. However, nowadays many believe (based upon the symptoms which Baldwin I displayed -which you’d know if you read his case blog) that the family is in fact a long line of schizophrenics. It very possible, alas unconfirmed. As no doctor on this (TSP) earth is willing to examine a member a family. Despite the fact Baldwin I children are incredibly boring and dull. Maybe one day it might happen?

The end -

(I’d like to give Konsa a shout-out for giving me this idea)

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